Paraphilia of Absence

How long is this separation?

This silence of time

Disoriented love-making

Laboured breathing

And then your name…

Your name and my lips…

They make love in my mouth

My tongue tastes of wrinkled bedsheets

Every morning

I search your clothes

Like a paraphillic to feel close to you

I touch the walls you rested against

I hug the pillows you slept on

I breathe in your scarves

Your clothes

Your blanket

Your room

Your chair

Only to find myself lost

In the darkness of your absence

Everything that belongs to you

Becomes you in your absence

How long shall I find you

Only in my madness?

How long is this separation?

Birthday Musings

How does one celebrate a birthday?

Should I tell myself

It’s all an abnormally prolonged dream

And that reality only exists

On the other side of it

Should I feel sad

That all my previous selves

Are going to be just a footnote

To my present self

Should I remember

All my sins

And repent hopelessly

To atone for what is left of me

Should I reminisce

My glorious moments

And find pernicious peace

In the collective

Of imagined happiness

Or should I forget

That I’m inseparably entangled

To every living and non-living being

In this universe

Orbiting the empty void within

I don’t know

How to celebrate

This inevitable periodicity

Of my insatiable life

But let me not bother tonight

Let me find myself

A night full of fantasies

Kyunki aksar yun hua hai

Ki khayaalon mai

Woh sab hua hai

Jo haqeeqat mai nahi hota..

Take me in therapy

Shaam hone ko hai

And I’m still angry at you

I know I know

What you’ll say

It’s a pattern – a dysfunctional pattern

And I am sure

You’ll show me all the capillaries

Of my dysfunctional pattern

Running its veins

Through all my thoughts, emotions

And behaviors

To its original source

But what about love? Haan?

Is love too a dysfunctional pattern?

Will you show me

All the frustratingly complex capillaries

Of this dysfunctional pattern too

To its original source

What shall I find there?

Or rather who shall I find there?

You or God?

Subah ki Baarishain

Subah ki khushnuma Baarish
Aur baarish ki shareer cheentain
Tumhare baalon se lipati rehti
Balcony Mai lagi
Do admari kursiyan
Jin par baithte hi
Zindagi, falsafa, muhabbat, Ishq
Science, kainaat aur khuda
Kuch bhi hamari baaton ke
Hisaar se baahir na hota
Chai ki woh garam piyaaliyan
Jin Ko hum dono
Dono haathon se
Apne seene
Aur honton ke
Iss tarah qareeb rakhte
Jaise ki bacche
Khwahishon ki titliyan Ko
Hathaeliyon Mai qaid rakhte hain
Chai ke har dosre ghoont pe
Tum kehti
"Kaam ke liye
Hum dono daer nahi ho rahe?"
Mai tumhari kalai pe
Lagi ghadi Ko dekh kehta
"Waqt humare saath
Chai pe raha hai!"
Aur ye sunte hi
Tum betahasha hasti
Itna ki kursi palat jaati
Aur kuch daer baad
Hum dono
Farsh pe pade
Na jaane kab tak
Duniya-o-jahan ki baatain karte

Aisi baarishain ab Kyun nahi hoti?

Nikah

"Tumhe muhabbat hai mujhse”

Kya matlab hai iska?

Tumhe mere dard ke sunsaan khandar nahi dikhte?

Tumhe mere baalon mai khichi hui

Waqt ki safeed Laxman rekhaein nahi dikhti?

Tumhe mere chahre ki jhurriyon mai

Meri umr ki thakaan nazar nahi aati?

Tumhe mere lafzon se

Na-umeedi ki kadwahat sunai nahi deti?

Tumhe ye nahi dikhta

Ki kiss qadar toot chuka hun

Tumhare sawaalon ke jawaab dete dete

Kya matlab hai iska

Ki tumhe mujhse muhabbat hai?

“Mujhe qabool hai”

Soul on Sale

My words were my trust I put in you

They were pieces of my soul

I decided to share with you

Those evenings

Those sunsets

Those shared starry nights

Those intimate long walks

Those mundane serious talks

Those secretly shed tears

Everything…

Every moment had my soul in it

All this time

You were drilling deeper enough

To extract enough of my soul

And sell me to the highest bidder?

Did you get what you wanted?

Was my soul valuable enough

To satiate you insatiable hunger?

To satisfy your unceasing greed?

The auction of my soul

Must have brought you enough riches

To find your own

If you did

Come to me

I’ll show you my wounds

My bruises

My pain

Because I believe
Only soul can feel the pain of soul

You Are Still Inside Me…

Do you feel my dehydrated skin rubbing against yours?

Do you find my bruises rubbing against your stomach?

You are still inside me?

It is hurting...

It is hurting...

What do you imagine happened to me?

You want to know it all

So you can be angrier at someone

I am choking

Because you took all the air from me

Do you feel yourself inside me?

Do you hear my painful cries?

Do you feel my decaying body?

Can you smell the blood coming out of me?

How does it feel to be inside my cold body?

I was raped

I was tortured

I was murdered

By people

Who never

Raped

Tortured

Or murdered anyone

But never spoke

Fought

Stopped

Or educated anyone about it

All of you are obsessed with punishment now

You all call it justice

But punishment is not education

Punishment is not a school

Where one learns kindness, love, or respect

That all of you have lost

Aaaaaaah…stop it

Stop it…

You are still inside me…

It’s hurting…

It's hurting…

It’s so easy for you now

So convenient

To hunt for one, two, three

Or dozen men

And blame it all on them

Demonize them

So you can comfortably sleep at night

Thinking goodness prevailed

Justice prevailed

Does killing anyone

Who raped me

Tortured me

Murdered me

Rest my soul in peace or yours?

The truth is you’re cowards

Hiding behind the convenient walls of blame

And empty slogans of justice

Scared to accept the bitter truth

That you failed me

All of you failed me

All of you raped me

All of you drugged me

I was tortured by you all

I was murdered by you all

You want to find my rapists, my murderers?

Go look into the mirror

You’ll find my rapist

My torturer

My murderer there

Staring back at you