Paranoia

There is a man spying on me

I see him all the time

In the mirrors of my life

I see him watching me in the morning

When I wake up to the splendors of the day

I see him scout me

When I sing to the empty walls of my home

And when I am happy thinking about you

He doesn’t leave me alone any time

He is everywhere

He even disguises himself like me

Wearing the same cloths I wear

The same smile I put on

Even the same perfume I wear

I try hard to lose him on the streets

But he follows me across all shops

Around all roads splashed with morning showers

I even see him sometimes

Sitting beside me

I turn around but he is gone

He even knows the secret evening places I go to

He comes to the garden where I meet you always

I see him hiding down in the waters of the pond

Watching me surreptitiously like a tiger

From the perennial grass of time

What is he looking for?

I have nothing to give him

Sometime I think I will bribe him

With my unsent letters

And plead him to watch you all the time

But then I think

Without you and without him

I will be all alone and unspied

I was happy about one fact though

He doesn’t know the way to my dreams

He can’t spy me there

When I meet you

On the banks of Dal Lake every night

Watching moonlight playing

With her slivery brushes

On the quivery canvas

But last night

I had a nightmare

We were together

When universe was losing its nightly gown

And draping its bright new dress

I looked at you as I always do

And I saw him in your eyes

Now I don’t know what to think

Tell me love,

Disguised as me

Is it you spying on me all the time?

Mai Zindagi Ki Shuruaat To Karun!

Tumne choo kar

Zindagi

Mere haathon pe rakh di thi

Wo Zindagi mai ab tak

Apny wajood ki

Banjar zameen pe

Boya nahi hun

Saanson ki fasl abi ugi nahi hai

Tum aaajao

Apni alhad hansi ki eedi se

Hayat ka koi aabshaar baha do

Koi maojza kar do

Mere wajood ko

Zinda kar do

Mai zindagi ki koi shuruaat to karun

Unclaimed Body of Love

Who will claim me without you, my love?

Who will search for me when I am gone?

Come and claim me soon

Didn't you hear the news of my death?

I am dead now

I was killed last night

When the lost ray of your love

Shot a dying star into my chest

Come and claim me like a star, my love.

My dead body is lying cold

In the mortuary of papers

Of my unsent letters to you

Claim it from there

You won’t find me by name

I lost my name

Like the blind man on a dark street

Unidentified and mysterious

I wear my name like a make up

And my skin as torn clothes

Claim me like I deserve to be claimed.

Take my body with you

And bury it in the backyard

Of your doll house

Don’t mark it with anything

Not even with your tears

Keep it unmarked

Claim me as your unmarked memory

“I have preserved my soul for you.”

Write this as my epitaph

But only on the marble of your memory

And celebrate my memorial

In the silent corners of your lonely nights

Claim me like a firefly

Don’t be sad because I am gone

Love me like an aborted child

Whose value lies not

In its insignificant death

But in the sacredness of the womb

Of your love around it

Where I was first conceived.

Claim me like your lost child, my love

Claim me like your lost child.

Demented History

You came

You saw

You conquered me

And then you left me

Like old ruins

I am what I am left

Of the glorious past in your love

An artifact of your ancient time

The holy verses of our love

Are written all over the walls

Of my decrepit being

Falling apart

Like an old heritage building

Below your proud, majestic abode

People visit me now

Study me

Research me

Photograph me

Preserve me

With uneven patches of modern cement

Write about me

In glorified inscriptions

And send me like a postcard

None of which ever reaches you

I am the significant part

Of your demented history

In your arms

There are days when

I want to take my friends

To the sky with me

And sing around

The bonfire of evening sun

There are days when

I just want to sit quietly

In the streets of any constellation

Under the table lamp of moon

But there are days more often

When I want to live on the earth

To sit silently beside you

Thinking not of Sun or Moon

Or of any homely constellation

But only to listen to you

Till I fall sleep

In your arms

Distance is a nightmare

Distance is a nightmare

It follows me

It stalks me

It haunts me everywhere

I go.

I see a road in my dream

The sign reads your name

But it never leads to you.

Desires, wishes, longing

My fellow travelers

Got tired and abandoned me

Long back

On my journey to you.

I reached the end of the road

But where are you?

The mirror of my dream is broken

I collect the pieces

Of my dream

Each one reflecting

A different person in it

I am split into all of them

I keep fixing all pieces together

Before your arrival

But all in vain.

I am falling apart

On my journey to you.

If you ever walk that road

Quench my fellow travelers

My desires, wishes, longing

And bring them along with you

The puzzle of my life is unfinished

Do collect those pieces

Of my dream

I lost on my way to you.

I am reduced to my name

Come to me

With your holy verses of love

And exorcise me of this nightmare

Distance is a relentless nightmare

It follows me everywhere

I go.

Existential Anxiety

This anxiety is ripping me apart

It’s like a snake curling around itself

Squeezing itself

Poisoning itself

Crushing me into nothingness

I can’t hold it any longer

I run away from it

I shy away from it

I hide away from it

But it comes back

Crawling like a baby to its mother

All hungry and helpless

I face the world

And world barks at me

Like a rabid dog

About to infect me

With its unending boredom

And melodious meaninglessness

I write about it

And feel it’s gone

Then walking down

The lonely road of my existence

I find it waiting for me

Like a beggar

Asking for everything that I have

I give away everything

I walk away naked

Without a speck of soul left in me

And its calls me back

Saying, 

“I am what you are.”

“Don’t run away.”

Don’t shy away.”

Don’t hide away.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

“Come back to me.”

“You are left with nothing but me.”

“Hold on to me till you find what you are not.”

I look at it

All helpless and devoid of reason

I sit besides it

On a rainy pavement

Asking for pennies of memories

I can treasure and cash

For my next life

Which I am not certain of either.

I walked into the sadness of the night

I walked into the sadness of the night

Overhearing my poems talking to each other

Gathered around the fire of my being

“Why is he sad tonight?”

“He is looking for a new one.”

“No, he is looking for a young one.

A child’s innocence

A virgin smile.”

I walked

Till the voices became a distant echo

I reached the seashore

Measuring the coastline of my dreams

With each step

Then when I added

One more sigh to the strings of sighs

I heard an old familiar voice

Coming from the darkness

Of my nostalgic past

“I am the oldest of your poems.

I have seen you grow in sadness and joy.

Shall I do something for you tonight?

Shall I make a Rabab out of rainbow

With strings made of each color?

Shall I sing the songs of Lala

Or a sufi dirge of Hamadan?

Tell me, I can weave you a dream

Of your beloved land,

Free,

Peopled by love and chinar.

Or shall I open a window to Dal

Or let Jehlum flow from my eyes.”

I smiled.

Few stubborn tears marked two alifs

On my numb cheeks.

I sat down against the pillow of sand

Facing vast constellations of my unknown fate.

“Sing me from Wahab Khar tonight.”

The voice rose like a spear towards heaven

I hummed

Till the eyes of the child inside me

Met morning dew.

The first ray of sunlight

Washed my face with a virgin smile.

Geometry of my love

I am tired of your geometry

I hardly have any left

You took away all the smooth lines

Of your arms and legs

All the circles of your eyes and lips

All the squares of your hugs

All the angles of your vision

All the regular figures

Of our nightly talks

You didn’t even leave me

The circumference

Of my arms around you

All I am left with

Is an axiom stating

“All the points of the circle

Of my life

Are equidistant from you.”

And the broken pieces

Of a circles

Of your bangles

On my unslept pillow